


Hang up

by jesspurt



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Infidelity, Jealousy, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-06-21 10:30:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15555780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesspurt/pseuds/jesspurt
Summary: Alex never gave Pipers name. Piper still calls Alex to talk about Larry's tattoo but unlike the show, Alex has no reason not to call Piper back just to hear her voice Inspired by the flashback in season 5.





	1. The phone call

**Author's Note:**

> What would have happened if Alex never named Piper? Piper still would have called Alex to talk about Larry's tattoo. Inspired by the flashback in season 5 of Piper calling Alex drunk from the bathroom.

Why did he have to get that stupid tattoo?

He only got the tattoo so that he didn’t feel left out when someone asked about mine, how he came up with the kool-aid man I’ll never know and I don’t want to know. ‘Love is pain’ now that was a unique tattoo that was funny without being so stupidly ridiculous. At least with that tattoo she had a purpose, even if it was to undermine the story I tried to tell with my tattoo. It wasn’t my fault my mind was wondering to the dark-haired beauty from the past, it was his. It was his fault as he had to get that idiotic tattoo, he had to be so nice that I couldn’t tell him the truth about the art that was now permanently marked onto his skin, he had to snore and keep me awake. Ok, maybe the last one wasn’t his fault as it was me that told him to go to bed, it was me that decided to open the wine and it was me who remembered her phone number.

Collecting my phone, wine glass and most importantly the wine I moved to the bathroom quietly set in completing my mission. Before I shut the door and ran to call my ex-girlfriend I needed to make sure the coast was clear for the forbidden task.

“Lare?...Lare?” 

Shutting the door, I slid down to the floor and filled up my wine glass for liquid courage to help me on this venture. Pressing the numbers on the screen felt so natural. It felt wrong to keep her listed on the contact list just in case anyone ever found her and the secrets that were buried with her. I took years to erase the number but it didn’t matter as the it like the lyrics from an old nursery rhyme that wen around your head, hard to forget or ignore.

“Shalom, you know that means hello and goodbye? Just like aloha but you probably knew that. Something that you may not know is that today my boyfriend got a tattoo of the kool-aid man. Oh yeah. Believe me Al, its no ‘Love is pain’” 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the memory of how proud she was when she brought it home carved into her skin. Being shown the work I pretended to be angry for less than a minute before letting the laughter fall from my lips to join hers. 

A sudden thought occurred that maybe she had no clue what deranged ex was leaving her some random message. It would have gone a lot smoother if she had picked up so that I knew that she knew it was me. 

“This is Piper by the way. Blast from the past. Recognise my voice? Boy, well I guess things, you know things are bad when you’re calling old girlfriends from the bathroom floor in the middle of the night huh. How are you still… in my brain? Where are you? Do you miss me? Probably not. I miss you. I don’t know what I’m doing. Shalom” 

Her voice was the one thing I needed to hear to stop me from opening up yet getting to leave a message allowed me to open up and admit the things I hid from myself. I was never going to get over Alex Vause no matter how hard I tried. She was in my brain every day but I had buried it so far that I could no loner feel the longing that would never leave me. It was Larry’s fault that my mind let down the walls, he had to remind me of her tattoo that she got just for me and the one I got just for her. Maybe her not picking up was fate letting me put myself back in check, put the wine down and go get into bed with my boyfriend. My boyfriend Larry who got a tattoo of the kool-aid man. Every time I thought of that stupid artwork it just made me long her even more. At least hers had a meaning even if it was to just spite me and my tattoo but it was something to react to and not a stupid fictional character made for marketing. 

Sighing I pulled myself up using the bathtub with a slight wobble. I knew I’d regret the phone call tomorrow, I probably would have regretted it more if she had answered but right now I just wanted to hear her voice.

Then the phone rang.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“shit it’s her.”

Just when I thought I head my life going at a steady pace she interrupts it and I don’t know whether I welcomed her intrusion or whether I still resented her. Not knowing what to do I let the phone ring staying embarrassed at being a coward. I can’t answer as I don’t what she is going to or what she wants and hearing her voice would leave me empty as I wouldn’t be able to see her.

I waited till I heard the beep for the notification of a voicemail and with shaky hands I led the phone up to my ear to listen. The message was over far too quickly and left me reeling. She was obviously tipsy but there was no resentment or confusion in her voice. In fact it sounded hopeful and she actually sought her out. It almost sounded like she missed me but I didn’t want to get my hopes too high. I slowly pulled the phone away from my ear attempting to process what had happened.

“So, what did the mystery lady have to say? Does the schnauzer get clipped at dawn? Are you ok? Fuck, do we need to get out of here?” 

Shit, Kate was still here. I needed her out so I could think clearly.

“erm yeah, yeah you need to get out of here”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah you need to go”

“oh, ok. Erm ok”

“Look it’s for your own safety”

“Sure, I get it. I get it”

I knew she was trying her best to be understanding but I could tell she was confused at my sudden mood change. Kate was nice but she was missing the most important thing I needed. She wasn’t Piper Chapman. 

A few seconds of deliberation was enough for me to realise that I wanted, no needed to hear more of her voice. I needed to listen to her and speak to her. I didn’t realise it till now but I needed Piper Chapman to be back in my life at this exact moment. Clicking pressing ‘call back’ I quickly put the phone to my ear and tried to control my breathing while the dial tone rang.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Shit. Fuck. She’s calling back. 

“Hello, Piper?”


	2. Last night

Shit. Fuck. She’s calling back. 

“Hello, Piper?”

In the panic of trying to reject or answer the call, I hadn’t made up my mind, I hit the screen so quickly it fell out of my hand and landed of the bathroom floor in front of me. Her voice could still be heard from the short distance it was coming from, I froze unsure on how to proceed. 

“Piper?”

Shit she was still on the floor, I mean the phone was on the floor. I should probably pick it up but moving might break me out of the trance. I was scared if I moved I wouldn’t be able to hear her but if I didn’t respond then she might hang up. 

“Hello? Alex?” I whispered as loudly as I could, fearing that if I spoke at my normal volume I would be caught.

“Piper? I can barely hear you. Where are you?” 

“My bathroom” I grabbed the phone and raised it to my ear hoping she would still be on the other end.

“I’m in my bathroom, you were on the floor. I mean the phone was on the floor” 

Her soft laugh told me she was still on the phone. I didn’t know what to say. I called her first but now I can’t even remember why I called her I was just enjoying hearing her voice. Knowing that I should probably drive the conversation I began to blurt what was on my mind.

“I can’t remember why I called you. I did call you though and you didn’t pick up so I left a message. Did you get my message?”

“Yes, piper I got your message, that’s why I’m calling now, to talk”

“We can talk. What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know Piper, you called me…”

That’s right I did call her. Why did I call her again? Oh, the tattoo, Larry’s stupid tattoo. Why would he even get that stupid tattoo? Just starting to remember it angered me again. What I can’t remember was why that made me want to hear her voice, the voice of my ex that I destroyed with both of our hearts breaking. The ex that I got my tattoo for, the beauty fish to remind her that love is beautiful, that our love was beautiful.

“We were beautiful”

“What Piper? What are you talking about?”

“I meant love is beautiful. The beauty fish…”

“The beauty fish? Your tattoo that you got… was that why you called me? To talk about tattoos? Because that’s kind of odd considering it’s been nearly eight years kid”

She called me kid. Only Alex called me kid. She’s right though, why did I call her? Every possible answer to that question was floating around my head and yet I couldn’t understand any of them. Just as a reply was about to come tumbling from my lips I heard the telling footsteps of Larry. Shit, Larry. 

“Shit, I’ve got to go” 

“What? Piper we’ve barely spoken”

“I know but – “

He began to call my name as he searched the apartment, I couldn’t answer while I was still on the phone to Alex as it felt like combining the two worlds I needed to keep separate.

“Tomorrow then? Meet me somewhere to talk, it will be better to talk when you’re sober. You still in New York?”

“Yes and I’m not drunk…. Fine then tomorrow evening. I’ll text you. I’ve got to go.”

“Bye Piper”

I quickly ended the call and stumbled out of the bathroom into my boyfriend and muttered something about bad food from the burger joint we visited earlier this evening before falling into bed not waiting for his reply. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even speaking to her couldn’t keep me from wanting more. Why did I suggest meeting? I was obviously a drunk dial while she was frustrated at her boyfriend. God, her boyfriend. Of course, she moved on, she probably has a long list of serious relationships from after her break up as she found it easier to move on than I did.   
I just needed to see her.

I needed to hear her talk about her serious relationship.

I needed to get her out of my head, where she had been for the past eight years.

I needed to move on.

Did I even want to move past her though?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My head hurt but not dramatically, it just made me want to stay in bed and complain about the light streaming through the curtains or the smell of whatever Larry was cooking for breakfast. Stretching my arm out I attempted to grab my phone without moving my head from the pillow or my body from the warmth between the mattress and quilt. Finally finding the phone and bringing it to my face for closer inspection I saw that I had two texts, one from Polly and one from an unsaved number. 

‘What time are you planning on getting to mine today?’ – Polly

‘O’Malley’s in Queens @ 7’ – unsaved 

My blood ran cold as I remembered who I had called last night and what I had now started. The number was easily recognisable to me and I should have known she would take charge and decide when and where we were meeting. She probably knew that I wouldn’t have text her or arranged anything.

Polly was going to kill me.

I was going to kill me.

Typing a response to Polly I faceplanted my pillow hoping the day would either go backwards so I could stop myself last night or maybe the day would fly by and I could ignore her and everything she brought with her.

“Morning Pipes”

I barely managed to grumble out a reply, I think he understood that I needed to be at Polly’s in two hours’ time. He walked over and sat at the end of the bed to stroke my hair away from my face, it was supposed to be soothing but his touch was unwelcomed right now. The guilt was washing over me yet I was comparing his touch to hers. He finally dismissed himself to another room to begin to work on whatever he was trying to get published which allowed me to rise from the sanctuary people called bed. I needed a shower to start the day and get rid of any negative emotions I was feelings because of last night.

I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t going tonight. I pretended that I didn’t put on tight jeans just in case I did go and see her. I tried to ignore that I had spent more time on my hair and makeup than I do every other morning. I wasn’t going to see her.

“Larry, I might be late tonight I’m meeting with the girls from the office I used to work at”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, did he get a tattoo?”

“Yeah the kool-aid man”

“That’s fun, don’t you think?”

“I guess”

My grumble of a response seemed to be enough to shut down any conversation Polly tried to have. The tattoo was not fun and I knew Polly didn’t think it either, if she did then she’s a terrible friend as she still mocked my fish even though she didn’t even know the meaning. If I ever told her the story she would hate the small artwork even more. 

Picking up her phone she read the text that I assumed was from her husband as not many people texted Polly during the day with them working a regular job. I quit my 9-5 job to help Polly venture out with her soap business and everyday I was starting to regret the choice as it as no longer a fun adventure with my best friend. It had begun to become a chore of going to her apartment everyday and listening to her judge everything that happened in my life but I enjoyed the paperwork aspect of this new career. 

“You and Larry want to go out tonight?”

“Sorry, we’re busy”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don’t know how I got here.

I mean technically I used public transport but I don’t know what I was doing here, in this bar, on this evening meeting an ex. Not only an ex but the ex.

I should leave before she gets here.

As quickly as I had entered, I turned to leave only being stopped by a rough voice.

“Don’t even think about it Piper”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters will get longer but I knew I wanted to end this chapter just before their meeting so we could dive straight into Vauseman in chapter 3.


	3. Leaving

Turning around, my eyes fell onto the tall dark-haired beauty that I hadn’t seen for years. With a single eyebrow raise and a questioning gaze settled on her face, I knew that she could see through my plan of leaving.

“Let’s find a table”

Her command was paired with her arm to signal me to move in front of her, I assumed it was to stop any plans of running if she had her back turned. I probably would have run for the hills if she had turned her stare away from me as it was more difficult than I could have ever imagined just to see her. How was I supposed to sit and chat with her? Finding a table near the back of the establishment, I sat and watched as she placed her bag on the vacant seat. 

“I’ll go get us some drinks, don’t move”

Without waiting for my answer, she was gone into the crowd of awaiting customers yet she seemed to still possess the talent to get served first. I never knew how she commanded the attention of so many people but I doubted I would ever know as I was also one of those victims. Pulling out my phone as a distraction to stop my mind from over thinking I saw the notification of a text flash on the screen.

‘I’ve used your moisturiser for my tattoo, it itches – Larry’

Larry and his stupid tattoo were the reason I was currently sitting about to have a drink and catch up with the ex. At least that’s what I was telling the guilt to keep it at bay and it was actually working until she returned and place a margarita in front of me. Before I could tell her that it was no longer my drink of choice, her ability to know what I was thinking was faster.

“I’m sentimental. Humour me kid.”

Taking a sip, I allowed my eyes to scan over her trying to catalogue any differences but there were none other than the removal of her blue tips. Even her skin hadn’t changed to show signs of ageing.

“You changed your hair.”

“That’s what I was going to say, the blue tips are gone”

“What can I say? It’s the adult in me.”

“same reasons for my change. The short hair makes me look more grown up”

The silence once again over took us whereas once it was comfortable, today it felt uncomfortable and unwelcomed. 

“So, what do you – “

“- I’m sorry”

Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. Why did I have to jump and apologise so soon? I should have waited until it was natural to slip in those two little words now it was just awkward.

“What for?”

“For… well… you know… I’m sorry for Paris. I’m sorry for your mom dying. I’m sorry leaving even though your mom died. I’m sorry for not being a friend. I’m sorry for leaving. And well… I’m sorry not calling earlier than last night and I’m sorry for… I don’t know… everything”

She just sat stunned during and after my rambled apology that came out as a jumbled mess, I could feel the blush rising to my cheeks in embarrassment of the spectacle I had just performed. I wanted to speak again if only to fill the silence but I knew she needed to process everything I had said. Seconds felt like hours and I began to get restless of being silent, why hadn’t she said anything? Opening my mouth in attempt to fill the empty air, I was interrupted.

“You were a pretty bad friend, I don’t know how Holly ever survived”

It was her attempt at humour to lighten the situation, I still laughed and held the piece of information that she still remembered my best friend in my mind to explore later.

“It’s Polly and you know it is”

“Well it has been eight years”

Although the words still stung and the guilt about my actions bubbled to the surface, the smile on her face let me know that it was all meant in humour and not an insult.

“So, what’s changed in your life?”

“Really Pipes? That’s the best you could do? Not much has changed, I’m pretty consistent in life”

Right, I don’t know why I thought she would change anything in her life just because I had left. Maybe I assumed as when I left her everything in my life was turned upside down and changed so much that I barely recognised the person I used to be.

“What’s changed in your life? Other than a boyfriend getting a tattoo that angered you”

“Sorry about that too. I don’t know why it bothered me so much to the point of getting wine drunk and calling you”

“The Kool-Aid man? That’s a perfectly good reason for all of your actions”

She laughed and so did I. It felt natural to let her words consume me and fall back into how we used to be. She was right, the Kool-Aid man deserved to be laughed at and she was the only person laughing with me. As we continued to catch up, I felt like I was transported to who we used to be, to what we used to be. We chatted about my current career venture into PoPi the new soap business, Polly getting married, my brother moving into the woods, in fact we discussed nearly everything about my life. Except for Larry. Mentioning his tattoo was the only air time he got. Alex mentioned barely anything about her life which made me assume she was still in the same line of business but she had probably replaced me and didn’t want to bring it up much like me with Larry. 

Soon the Bar began to get emptier as the customers left, checking my watch I saw that It was close to midnight and close to their closing time.

“Shit, how did it get so late? I should probably go”

“You’re right. We should have met earlier, I feel like we barely even started the catch up”

It was a lie and we both knew it but I didn’t care, it gave us a reason to meet again and in this moment that is all I wanted. We both stood and made our way to the exit, the wind hit us almost immediately causing me to shiver. Alex silently shrugged off her jacket and held it out to me without speaking a word, as my response I just stared at the item not knowing how to proceed.

“Pipe, It’s a jacket. You’re cold, I’m not. Wear it”

That’s two lies told in less than five minutes but once again I welcomed it as I put on the jacket to gather the warmth. It was then I realised it smelled like her and how much I had missed her smell. She was right, she hadn’t changed at all. 

Alex’s pace began to slow until she stopped completely to turn to me.

“You asked me last night if I missed you, I did. I do.”

She had a way of making me speechless, frozen I stared at her lips hoping she would understand what I wanted to happen next yet instead she reached for my hand. As her fingers tangled themselves in mine, I closed my hand around hers to give her response. Looking ahead I recognised the street and knew that there was a hotel around the corner and begged that they would have a room. I didn’t even begin to think that this wasn’t what she wanted as I wanted it enough for the both of us.

Leaning up, I pulled her down to my lips and kissed her roughly trying to convey my want to her as urgently as it came to my thoughts. She responded as eagerly as I had delivered the kiss. Keeping my face void of any feelings and with her hand in mine, I dragged her in the direction of the hotel leaving her confused until she saw the building we were entering which sprang her into motion of pacing to the desk and getting us a room. 

Our hands, our lips, our bodies, were all over each other, in the elevator, in the corridor, against the room door until we were finally able to enter our room. Once she closed the door I pounced back onto her placing my lips anywhere they could fine skin, my hands wrapped around the hem of her top and pulled it roughly over her head throwing it away from us. My hands roamed the newly exposed skin aggressively, my senses were overloaded with familiarity and excitement. Tugging off her bra I attached my mouth to her breasts wanting to hear moans of approval from the receiver. Somehow during my attack on her, Alex had slowly moved us to the bed until the backs of my knees made contact and encouraged her to push me down so that she could lead. The need for skin to skin contact and her slow pace lead me to pull off my own top and bra discarding them carelessly. My hands quickly moved to her pants, attempting to pull them off as her lips made their way across my neck and down my chest. As she reached my pants, leaving a trail of kisses her hands made quick work of removing any clothing that was down there. The kisses stopped as she raised her head to look at me.

“You sure kid?”

As an answer I pushed my hips upwards to her and she quickly understood that I was willing and waiting.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The clock on my phone told me that it was now 2:30 and I had a worried text from Larry.

‘Where are you? Do you need me to come and get you or are you in trouble? – Larry’

‘Sorry we went to Tina’s and didn’t realise the time. I’m just going to sleep on her couch’

Now the guilt was setting in and I realise that I acted impulsively yet I didn’t regret what I had done. She had missed me and I missed her but sadly I had a Larry.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun streaming in through the windows woke me up to an empty bed. She had left. Quickly sitting up I looked around the room and saw all her clothes were gone, apart from her jacket. She was gone. Retrieving my clothes from the floor I got dressed and gathered my things before heading out the door. Once I was in the elevator I checked my phone and saw two texts one from Larry agreeing to my previous text and one from her that made my heart stop.

“I’m sorry too – A’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and bookmark, the next chapter will be posted soon.


	4. Forgive me

Arriving home was agonisingly slow as I debated texting or calling Alex to understand what had happened. She left me. We had sex and she left. Normally I was the one who left and left her heartbroken but at least now I knew how she felt. Maybe that’s why she did it, to make me hurt and confused like I did to her. If so then she’s petty. That’s why we worked so well together as we were both petty and stubborn yet right now my heart hurt as well as my pride so in my mind she was acting like a child. Once I entered the apartment and threw my things on the floor I realised how angry I had gotten about being abandoned. I needed to rant to someone. Who would I even discuss Alex with? No one knew she existed, she was the invisible woman to all but Polly. Polly. Shit, I have to tell Polly.

“Piper”

“Shit Larry, when did you get here”

He was standing in front of, freshly washed and dressed ready for a day of chasing a job he is yet to get. At least he got dressed now instead of staying in his pyjamas all day.

“I’ve been calling your name for a while, you were so deep in thought. Want to share with the class?”

“Sorry, I just remembered that I told Polly I’d be at her place early this morning”

“You should probably show and get changed then, pregnancy has not calmed her”

He ended his joke with a laugh and leaned to kiss my lips. Not wanting for Alex’s lips to be replaced I dodged his kiss to be placed on my kiss and muttered about morning breath before running to the bathroom. Taking one last look at the text from Alex, I quickly typed a reply and stepped into the shower to get ready for the day

‘Meet me tonight? Same place at 7 – P’  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Polly’s always smelled good now that we were taking the business seriously, with the blend of scents I felt calmed which was lucky considering the information I was about to share.

“She finally blesses us with her presence”

“I saw Alex”

“Wait what? When”

“Last night”

I didn’t mean to blurt it out but all that was on my mind was her so it was my first response to anything Polly could have said. I think she could have told me that someone had died and my response would have stayed the same. Alex had once again consumed my thoughts. 

“What happened? Please don’t tell me you talked to her”

“That’s why I saw her. I met up with her to talk to her”

“Piper what the fuck?”

Suddenly I realised how messed up this situation was. I had sought out my ex-girlfriend, met up with her, kissed her, took her to a hotel, slept with her and then got pissed when she ditched me like a one-night stand. I really knew how to create problems for myself. 

“It’s complicated. We met up and chatted, it was good, like really good and then we left but it was too late to go home so we stayed in a hotel room but she abandoned me this morning”

“Wait, you two spent the night in a hotel room together?”

I knew she was thinking, even my edited version of events portrayed what had happened and how much it was affecting me. As much as I tried to come with a response my mind was blank which left me stuttering with my mouth opening and closing like a fish. I couldn’t deny what Polly was thinking but I also couldn’t admit it. By not giving her an answer, I had told her everything she needed to know.

“What about Larry? Oh my God, you cheated on Larry for supercunt. What were you thinking”

“I wasn’t thinking, was I? I just missed her and seeing her and being with her, it felt natural”

“Of course, it felt natural to cheat on your loving boyfriend Piper” 

“Can you be easier with the sarcasm? I know I messed up”

“Well at least she ditched you so you won’t be seeing each other again”

“Actually – “

I explained to Polly that I had text Alex wanting to meet up again tonight but I had gotten no response from her. In Polly’s mind that meant that I shouldn’t go and to leave this in the past where it belonged. Alex clearly wanted to move on, I needed to move on as well. So why was I still going tonight in the hopes that she may turn up.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I told Larry that I had gone to see Cal and his new living arrangements, it took me nearly an hour to convince Larry that he didn’t need to come. Somewhere in the debate I was vaguely aware of implying that Cal didn’t like him so I knew that at some point I would have to backtrack over that lie. I don’t know why I lied but I just wanted to get out and get here early just in case she showed up and tried to leave before I arrived but no luck. The bar was slightly more packed than last night as it was karaoke Wednesday and apparently that pulled in a larger crowd. Grabbing a stool at the bar that had a visual of the door, I ordered a red wine and stared at the entrance. 

Four people that were tall with long black hair had came into the bar yet none were the one I wanted. It had been over an hour so I decided to finish my third glass of wine and call it a night, that was until I turned and walked right into the person I had been waiting for.

“Wow, so being stood up for nearly two hours is when you decide to give up”

I stared silently up at her not wanting to say anything to scare her off.

“What are you doing here Piper? I didn’t text you back”

“Well you still showed up…”

“What do you want Piper”

“Why did you leave?”

She realised that other people could hear us due to being so close to the bar which encouraged her to grab my arm and lead me to a vacant spot that wasn’t far from where we were sitting less than twenty-four hours ago. 

“I had to”

“Why?”

“I just couldn’t be near you, what was last night Piper? Like why did we think it was a good idea to meet and chat like old friends?”

“Because we were friends”

“for fucks sake Piper, we were never friends. I loved you”

“I’m sorry”

“Well guess what kid? Sometimes sorry just isn’t enough”

“Do you mean that apology or the one last night”

“You’re smart figure it out. You did always love to tell me what I was thinking” 

With that final remark and a cynical laugh, she turned to leave me once again. I couldn’t let her leave me again so I reached up to grab her shoulder and forcefully turned her around so that I could look at her face once more. I needed to make this right. The guilt from Paris heavily outweighed the guilt I felt for cheating and it didn’t make sense. Every part of my brain was telling me to make it up to her, to make her forgive me so I could forgive myself.

“Then what can I do?”

“Fuck if I know Piper.”

“Take me to her grave so I can apologise to Diane”

I blurted that out before I could even process that I had thought it, why would apologising to a tombstone make her forgive me? Somewhere in my brain I thought that if Alex wouldn’t accept my apology then her mother would, its not like she can’t accept it either. I could tell my idea had not only surprised me but Alex as well, the shock on her face was obvious to anyone that might glance this way. The silence that over took us lasted a while but I didn’t know how to respond to my own idea, neither did she.

“Ok then, Saturday. I’ll text you”

With that she turned and left leaving her face void of emotion, this time I let her go.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday came quickly, telling Larry a quick goodbye I left to meet Alex on the corner behind my building. He thought I was going to spend the weekend at my parents which he was only happy not to be invited to. I was unsure how long it was going to take to get Alex’s forgiveness so I wanted my weekend clear. 

She was stood next to a blue car that I assumed to be hers. She was dressed in all black with her glasses perched on her head looking bored and it that moment I remembered how effortlessly beautiful she was.

“I have your jacket” 

Her lips slowly turned upwards to form a crooked smile as she opened the passenger door for me.

“I thought you might have gotten cold on your way home”

“Nice to know you care”

It was meant as a light-hearted comment but the way it hung in the air turned it into something much more. Especially when you paired it with her response.

“I always will kid… The trip is going to take just over an hour and a half. Hope you’re ok with that”

Its not like I could say no as she had already started to pull away. We would be spending at least three hours together, isolated in her car. The idea of that terrified me but I was strangely excited to this journey.


	5. What do I want

“What is it?”

Her question broke me out of the trance I had been in since the car had pulled out of my street. Once we had pulled away the silence consumed us which lead me to look at Alex to hopefully start a conversation yet her mind was on the task of driving. Only then did I realise I had been staring at her for what some people would call a creepily long time and she had caught me.

“Sorry, I was just thinking”

“About?”

“Nothing in particular…”

Her hands tightened on the steering wheel with a huff as she was obviously annoyed my answer, it always bugged her when I wouldn’t tell her something. We were never good at keeping secrets from each other, when we dated there was no surprises as it would piss the other one off. Once I bought her a book for her birthday two days earlier so I attempted to hide it, she saw the bag and questioned what was in it to which I answered nothing. Soon we weren’t talking to each other as the situation quickly spiralled from Alex getting annoyed and then me becoming defensive and soon we were mad at each other. The next day I gave her the book a day early and discovered it was easier just to tell each other everything. Polly told me it was unhealthy as we should be allowed some secrets but I thought it was one of the reasons we worked because if the roles were reversed I would have been just as annoyed as Alex.

My phone ringing cut the tension and the silence. Polly’s name was flashing on my screen, I continued to look at my phone, unsure on how to proceed.

“Just answer it, I’ll be quiet”

“Hello?”

“Piper thank God, tell me you are free tonight”

“Sorry Poll, I’m going to my parents for the weekend but Larry’s free if you need help”

Alex’s scoff at my lie made me self-conscious and made me think of the times I lied so effortlessly to my family and friends when we were dating and kept her a secret from the   
world. Sometimes those thoughts consumed as I wondered if it would have changed anything if I had showed her off like she did to me. Would she have been welcomed to family meals by Carol and Bill like Diane invited me? Would she have joined as a part of my friendship circle like Larry? Would I have still broken her heart? 

“No, I wanted to have dinner, Pete is being annoying so I need buffers. Wait, you wouldn’t face Carol without Larry. Why isn’t he going?”

“It’s complicated”

“Oh my God. Are you pregnant?”

Polly began to ramble different ways to tell my parents that I’m pregnant or other reasons that Larry wouldn’t be joining me. The only way to shut up was for to tell her the truth, well shout the truth to get her to shut up.

“Polly why would I be pregnant? That makes no sense. I’m with Alex”

That shut her up, meanwhile I had to listen to Alex not only laugh at the pregnancy denial but also stare at me like I had sprouted an extra arm. She probably assumed that no one knew of not only our catch up but the fact that we were attempting a friendship. I was proud that I had manged to silence not only Polly but Alex and then my brain caught up with my mouth and realised what mistake I had made as soon the yelling from Polly had started.

“What the hell Piper? What were you thinking? You lied to me, to your fiancé to hang out with your ex?”

Her yelling and accusations continued but I couldn’t focus on her words as I was too busy staring at the smile that rested on Alex’s face. She couldn’t hide the fact that she was happy that she was no longer my dirty secret. Yes, Polly knew about her when we were dating but I had chosen to tell her that we were hanging out which is something I could have and should have hidden considering that I had a boyfriend. 

“Piper!?”

“Yes, Polly?”

“What are you doing? Please tell me that you’re fucking with me”

“Polly we are just driving up to her mom’s grave, I wanted to say goodbye”

“You lied to your boyfriend so that you could say goodbye to a fucking gravestone?”

“It’s important to me Poll”

“Fine, I’m still not happy with this”

“I’ll tell Larry when I get home”

“Tell him what? That you went on a trip with your ex that obsessed over months after the break up, the ex that you compared every girlfriend to, the ex that you chased around the world or the ex that you kissed the other day?”

“No, I’ll tell him that I went to visit the grave of an old friend’s mom with her, which is what I am doing”

“No Piper, you and Alex were never friends but I’ll keep your dirty secret.”

And with that she hung up on me and silence once again surrounded the car whilst I processed the entire conversation. Surely it wasn’t that crazy to go with Alex to her mother’s grave? I needed to say goodbye to her and apologise to her about what I had done to her daughter. It might heal the guilt and pain I still felt about the situation, it may help Alex forgive me. Going on a short road trip wasn’t cheating on Larry. Sure, the lying and sneaking around was bad but it wasn’t cheating, having sex with her was cheating but Polly didn’t know about that so how could she judge me? Shouldn’t she be my friend and support me, instead she was picking Larry, she always defended Larry. I still couldn’t believe that she said me and Alex were never friends, if we dated then surely, we were friends too? Even Alex said that we were never friends yet my mind believes we were so that’s our difference of opinions yet Polly doesn’t know anything about us.

“So, she only thinks we kissed”

The dark-haired beauty questioned with a smirk. Shit, she heard Polly on the phone. Of course, she did, how could she not with the volume that she was yelling at me. Fuck. Before I could defend myself, Alex pulled in a diner parking lot and announced that she was hungry.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We sat opposite each other only joined by the sounds of other customers conversations that floated through the air. For the first time today, the quietness of our journey wasn’t uncomfortable but felt natural. I wondered who was going to bring up Polly’s questioning up first or the fact that Polly knows about her but not that we slept together. We awaited the food we had ordered with Alex messing with the items and the table and me pulling at my sleeves of the jacket I was wearing. Neither of us pulled out our phones as distractions which showed the people around us that we were comfortable in each other’s presence. It showed us that we were still comfortable with each other. 

Our waitress walked our food over and leaned down to place it on the table, I noticed Alex’s eyes wonder to her cleavage and enjoy what she saw. Slowly the short blonde waitress became more than just a waitress to me as I began to notice all of her physical attributes that some may say were appealing. She left without noticing that one of her customers had thoroughly checked her out. As I watched her leave I saw the quick glance and smile she threw at the college boys at a booth not too far from ours and realised that she was very interested in them and couldn’t care less about Alex which made me relax. I didn’t even realise that I had even cared until I felt like I could breathe again knowing that Alex wasn’t going to hook up with her.

“She either wants a big tip from those boys or she wants a date”

I thought pointing out to Alex that only could we assume that the waitress was straight but that she was interested in someone else would get her attention back on me.

“The straight ones can be a challenge but it’s always worth it”

“Was that what I was? A challenge?” 

“No, why you jealous?”

“What? No. Besides she could be bisexual”

Her laugh came as a reward to the awkward joke and accomplished its task of lightening the mood before we dug into our meals. Suddenly I felt incredibly hungry and was thankful for the pit stop to our journey as I had forgotten to eat this morning due to nerves. How could have I eaten this morning with today’s agenda unknown, I only knew that the whole day would include Alex. I felt like time had gone back and once again my life revolved around the tall woman.

“So, you told Polly that we’re hanging out? That’s awful brave of you”

“She already knew you so I was just being honest – wait did you call me brave?”

“I called your actions brave, don’t inflate your ego even more. I mean you didn’t tell her we slept together”

“She doesn’t need to know that but if it would make you feel better, I can tell her in explicit detail the events of that night”

Her laugh filled the room again, we had settled into friendly banter between us and the tiny voice in my head screamed ‘I was right, we were friends’. With the bill dealt with we walked back to the car with only thirty minutes of the journey left if the clock on the dashboard was correct.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, tell me about the boyfriend. How’d you meet?”

“We don’t have to talk about Larry. We could talk about something else”

“No really kid, I’m interested. How did you know he was the one for you?”

Her mocking tone discouraged me yet I knew it would only cause the situation to become tense if I snapped at her for asking about my life. 

“Fine but you can’t laugh or mock me.”

“Promise” she swore with a salute letting me know that she was in a fun mood.

“We met when Polly was on honeymoon and he was asked to water her plants. So, I got bit by a dog owned by a homeless person. Questions at the end Alex. I went to get the wound cleaned at Polly’s as hers was closer, he was there watching TV and offered to order me Chinese while I showered, to treat the wound”

“Okay first why did the dog bite you? And second that doesn’t sound as romantic as you’re hoping, wow he ordered Chinese”

“The kid asked for money to buy dog food so I told him that if he couldn’t afford the dog food then he shouldn’t have a dog”

“True but you probably shouldn’t lecture a homeless kid”

“He said that the dog was for protection, I asked what from so he got the dog to bite me and At Polly’s wedding she told me that she knew Pete was the one because he knew   
when to go out and when to order Chinese or something like that. It felt like fate at the time or something less stupid”

My final statement was spoke loudly over her laughing at the unfortunate incident I had described to her about the dog and soon my laughter joined hers. Suddenly her laughing   
stopped and prompted mine to end as well.

“I mean Polly’s idea of love sounds good but knowing when to fuck your girl in the bathroom of bar and when to fly her to a different country to get so drunk you barely remember anything but the fact that you traded shoes with a drag queen is my idea of love. We’re here Pipes”

She got out of the car leaving me with my mind attempting to process what she had just said. She was right both version of love had made me happy. Being able to relax at home with Larry and enjoying his company when having the energy to leave the apartment was a good time. Flying around the world with Alex to have crazy adventures and fucking everywhere we could was exhilarating and spontaneous in all the right ways. I was like two sides of the coin, completely different but they were both Love in my eyes yet when calling heads or tails you always route for one over the other. 

Exiting the car, I walked over to Alex and stared at her whilst we walked hoping to read any emotion or thought she was currently having. Her face remained blank. Soon we arrived in front of the grave stone of Diane Vause and suddenly my heart felt heavy with tears forming in my eyes. I guess I never did grieve for the woman that was so welcoming towards me. I knelt down and placed my hand on the stone trying to hold back the tears that longed to fall but eventually they won. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried to stay, I should have stayed and came here to say goodbye when it actually meant something. I’m just so sorry”

My words were consumed by my sobs as they became out of control causing me to choke on what I wanted to say. I don’t know what I planned to say to Diane but I could think of nothing but of how sorry I was and the regret that filled me. I felt a hand on my shoulder as Alex joined me on the grass with eyes heavy with tears. When I looked at her she pulled me into a hug to hide her own pain with her face in my hair murmuring to me over and over again.

“It’s ok Pipes”  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you hungry?”

“Not really”

“Want to hit the road to go back then?”

“Not really”

“What do you want Piper?”

That felt like an open question. What did I want? Right now, I wanted to go back in time and join Alex to the funeral as a friend and said goodbye to her mother. Right now, I wanted to see Diane one last time and just feel comfortable in her presence. Right now, I wanted to not have abandoned Alex in her time of need but all of that was impossible. So, what do I want right now? Right now, I want Alex to tell me that she forgave me, I want to forgot that I had a life outside of Alex and to kiss her, I want to wake up in her arms without any guilt or regret. All of those things seemed impossible. My mind felt tired from emotional exhaustion as I looked into Alex’s eyes hoping to relay my inner turmoil to her. The determination in her eyes made me feel like she knew what she wanted so I waited patiently for her to share her thoughts or do what she wanted to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a couple days so enjoy the slightly longer chapter. I know a lot of you guys have questions about Alex and the drug cartel but don't worry I'll be addressing them soon.


	6. Burgers are better than chinese

“I want to go for a drink”

The confusion on Alex’s face quickly turned into amusement as she grabbed my hand and pulled me down the street with her. With skilled navigation she moves her way down back streets and alleys to lead us to the destination of a nearby bar. Holding the door open for me, she placed her hand on my lower back to guide me to a stool at the bar and ordered our drinks before sitting next to me. Conversation flowed easily between us as we talked about things that were unimportant just to fill the air between us. We talked for what seemed like ten minutes was more like two hours and three drinks. I forgot how natural things could be with Alex, how normal it felt to sit at the bar with an ex-girlfriend and talk like nothing else mattered. Soon the bubble we had put ourselves in since entering the bar popped as a man in his late twenties pushed in between us and set his sights on Alex.

“I just had to come over and check that you were real as I’ve never seen an angel before”

The look of horror and humour that took residence on her face made me start to laugh uncontrollably. Hearing my laugh, the man in front of me moved uncomfortably as I watched from behind. Composure quickly took over Alex as a smirk took place on her lips. 

“Well, I would love to visit heaven. I bet the female angels are ready to rebel with a lesbian and that would be me, the lesbian I mean not the angel, that’s Piper”

With her hand signalling me the man turned and tried his best to shoot me a flashing smile. It was then I realised Alex had pushed him off onto me to deal with as his mind raced for what I assumed was a recovery chat-up line. Over his shoulder I could see the humour on her face trying to hold back her laughter annoying me even more. Wanting to take control of this situation I stood and walked around him to the smiling brunette and perched on the end of her knee, both watched me. My arms rested on her shoulders and   
around her neck before leaning to place a soft kiss on her lips. 

“I’m ready to go back to the hotel babe. I want to see you naked again.”

It was spoken in an obnoxiously loud stage whisper so that not only the man in front heard but a few surrounding bystanders probably heard the statement. Without waiting for a response from anyone I stood, grabbing her hand and leading her out of the bar before laughing uncontrollably. Looking up at Alex I saw that she was still shocked, her glasses perched on her head and her laughter slowly joined mine.

“Wow kid. That wasn’t nice, you could have made a friend. I mean you both find me hot”

“Shut up”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We had just begun to walk down streets that were familiar to Alex in silence and ended up just enjoying the scenery for almost twenty minutes. The laughter died down a few minutes into the walk. Gaining some confidence. I brushed my hand softly against Alex’s hoping she would know that I wanted to hold her hand. We were in an area that no one would recognise us or know us so what would it hurt to hold hands and show affection that friends could show as well. Instead, her fingers brushed back along mine and waited for my response. Her face displayed a small smile but other than that continued to stare straight ahead pretending that we weren’t waiting for one of us to join hands first. I felt the playfulness leave me as I became annoyed that she wouldn’t just hold my hand, so I gripped hers and quickened my pace, pulling her along. It was only when I looked back that I saw the wide grin that was spread across her face as she stared down at our hands.

The walk came to an end as I spotted her car and realised that it was time for our adventure to end but it felt like there was so much more to do. My pace slowed, trying to delay the inevitable. She leads me to the passenger seat and opened the car door for me before walking around the car to her side which meant our hands finally lost contact once again.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

The drive made me feel restless as I shuffled, my hand longed to make contact with Alex again and I was doing my best to fight the urge. I saw her glance at me a few times out the corner of her eye as I moved but she remained silent. The noise the erupted through the music was my phone as I heard the text notification. My hand dove into my bag, happy for the distraction yet I felt my apartment keys scratch at my over eager hand before it was able to pull out my phone. 

‘How’s the parents? Need me to rescue you? – Larry’

Quickly typing out a response I held the phone to fill my hands and prevent me from putting it on the driver’s thigh.

“That the boyfriend?”

“Yeah”

“Missing you?”

My mind raced as I attempted to think of an answer that will give me a result that I wanted instead of more silence or a hum in agreeance. I also didn’t want to remind her that   
Larry had my parents and she hadn’t even though she probably knew that.

“He’s just telling me that he went out with Polly’s husband and is staying at theirs about to go to sleep. I don’t have my apartment keys so I’m not quite sure where to go or what to do.”

“You could stay at mine, I’ve got a spare bedroom”

That was a response I didn’t expect but I was more than happy to agree to her opening her home to me, even if I was lying.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I followed her into the apartment building that she lived In, waiting for her to say something yet she remained mute. I realised that silence had become our new best friend as it joined us everywhere we went, sometimes it was a saviour and other times it felt suffocating. Once we entered the elevator she placed her hand in mine to give me a reassuring squeeze as I’m sure my uneasiness was displayed for everyone to see. I allowed her to pull me to her front door as she unlocked it and ushered me inside. Alex moved quickly around the apartment, picking up articles of clothing, to which I was sure not all belonged to her, trash and random items that had mad a home in the wrong places.

“Sorry I wasn’t expecting company, well your company. We can order food? Burgers?”

“Its fine you don’t have to clean up. Burgers sounds great”

My reassurance didn’t stop her from racing around only stopping momentarily to drop a take-out menu on my lap as I sat on her sofa. Trying my best to concentrate on my food order, I tried not to watch as she ran into her bedroom and moved around to clean up. I tried to keep my mind from wondering why she would need to clean up her bedroom for me if I was being put in the guest bedroom. I tried not hope that she longed for more just like I did. Once she returned she ordered our food before sitting down to join me with the TV remote in her hand and the offer of a movie. We settled on an action film I hadn’t seen and didn’t care about so that I could watch the brunette out of the corner of my eye. She looked so at ease with her legs resting underneath her and glasses resting on her nose, it almost felt like we did this every night. Only when I looked up at her face I registered that she was blatantly staring at me with her face void of emotion. Turning to look at her with my eyebrow raised to question her was when she decided to smile at me.

“What?”

“Nothing Pipes”

“No really, what?”

“I was just thinking about something”

“About what?”

Many expressions ran over her face as she was in thought on how to phrase her next response without giving away too much but telling me just enough. I waited patiently hoping that she would let her guard down to share her personal thoughts with me but just as she opened her mouth to give me an answer the doorbell rang.

“And that’s the food”

That timing couldn’t have been worse. She shut down and ran to the door for her escape from the invading question. I heard the mutterings of talk between Alex and the delivery guy whilst I tried to gather my thoughts. I knew the moment was over, but I felt like whatever she was going to say would make or break us.

We ate the food to the sound of the film in the background, we both continued to steal glances at each other and we knew that we were both doing it. The air was growing tight as the desire for her in me grew and I knew soon the food would no longer be a good distraction. I only had a handful of fries and half a milkshake left before Alex pushed them away and pulled me up to kiss me. Soon the kiss became rough as our hands went wondering on the journey to strip each other of our clothes so that there were no barriers in between us.

“Kid are you sure?”

A nod was all she needed before I was pulled into her bedroom.

“I like burgers better than Chinese anyway”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the chapter is short  
> Yes, I will be writing a longer chapter


	7. Wake up call

Her lips were forceful against mine while her hands roamed under my top trying to pull my bra off quickly to give her better access to all of me. My hands were on the same mission, yet they took the logical route of lifting her top above her head and reaching behind her for the latch of her bra. Soon she had passed me with my top, bra and now my jeans being thrown carelessly onto her bedroom floor as I was pushed back onto her bed. She knelt down and pulled my legs so that they were hanging of the bed and she was stationed between them. I forgot how great her tongue felt and how her fingers always were. It wasn’t long before I was crying out her name in a plea begging for more until she had completed her task of making me a mess. 

Slow lazy kisses were placed up from my hips, along my stomach, on my breasts, stopping to put her mouth around my nipple before she continued the path to my neck and finally on my lips. Our mouths moving together was like muscle memory yet new and exciting in all new ways that I didn’t want it to end. Her hands gripped my sides tightly and mine were weaved around her neck scared to let this feeling go. Scared to let her go. Keeping one arm looped around her neck, my hand began to wonder down her body until it slipped into the waistband of her jeans and underwear. My finger slowly pushed forward, and I was rewarded with a groan being released into my mouth causing me to smile into the kiss. It wasn’t long before she too was the stumbling mess she had made me into moments ago. The kiss moved to lazy movements before it was nothing more than our lips just resting on each other. 

Alex slowly rolled off me and pulled me on the bed closer to her where she then put her arm around me securely. The feeling of safety washed over me in tidal waves as I moved in closer to her and inhaled the smell of Alex that I had been missing for years. Time felt like it hadn’t moved, and I felt at home just being this close to her. I knew this feeling wouldn’t last forever but I hoped I would remember it forever so that I could always revisit this morning. With the gentle kisses being placed on the top of my head and the sound of Alex inhaling the smell of my hair I prayed that she too was having the same thoughts that I was and that we were both as sentimental as one another. I missed this. I missed her.

“Alex”

“Hmm?”

“I am sorry”

“I know kid, me too”

For once I knew with certainty that we were both in the same mindset of regret and forgiveness and we understood each other more than anyone else could in this moment. In   
fact, she always knew me better than anyone else even when we hadn’t met she knew me inside and out and never once has that fact scared or intimidated me, it made me feel content. It made me happy and thankful that I had met Alex Vause in that bar.

\--------------------------------------------------------

The sunlight was streaming in the window next to the bed that had the curtains pulled carelessly closed leaving a large space between them. My arms felt heavy, yet my chest carried the most weight as I looked down and saw a head of dark hair resting on my chest releasing a soft snore every few moments. My hand that wasn’t trapped by her body moved to push the hair away from her face so that I could see her sleeping form if only for a few moments. Slowly my bladder woke up and demanded that I use the bathroom which gave me the difficult task of moving out of the bed without waking up Alex. Lifting her arm from my stomach I shuffled to the edge of the bed until I could shuffle onto the floor and let her arm fall onto the mattress. I triumphantly jumped up as she was still snoring meaning that I had gotten out of bed without disturbing her which was something I hadn’t done before. Grabbing my phone, I moved into the bathroom and walked the door to close it so that no unnecessary noise could be noticed. 

After washing my hands and throwing water on my face to get the sleep out of my system, I checked my phone and saw that there was a number of texts from Polly and one from Larry. Sensing that Larry would be the easiest to answer, I opened his text first which was his usual good morning text that he sent whenever we were apart. Closing my eyes, I quickly clicked on Polly’s text and scanned the majority of them.

‘Have you told Larry?’

‘You know that he wouldn’t hang out with us in case you needed to call him because of your mother?’

‘You haven’t told him, have you?’

‘Piper you’re being a jerk’

Throughout the messages I had decided to read were more demands and questions from my best friend. Groaning I knew that I needed to call her to calm down the situation I pressed call on my phone and hesitantly raised the phone to my ear unprepared to deal with her this early.

“Piper. Did you get my texts?”

“Yes”

“Piper”

“Even though its not for you to worry about I am going to tell him when I get back as its not something that you tell your boyfriend on the phone. ‘Hey Larry. Do you remember I went travelling a few years back? Yeah, well that was with a girlfriend called Alex, I abandoned her in Paris when her mom died and felt incredibly guilty. We were head over heels in love. In fact, the tattoo on my neck was for her, so if you still think it’s a destiny fish then you should probably thank her. When you got the Kool-aid man tattoo I hated it so much that I got drunk and rang her to complain about you and tell her that I missed her. We met up and because she was still angry with me I went on a road trip to apologise to her mother. Then I lied that I was locked out of my apartment so that she would take me somewhere so I could have sex with her, which I did and it was fucking great -‘“

“Shit sorry”

During my rant to Polly my anger grew and grew until I was telling her things that I didn’t want her to know or ever find out. All I could fell was the annoyance that I felt of Polly   
trying to not only control me but also my relationship. I didn’t hear Alex approaching or her opening the door until she stood in the entry of the bathroom staring at me with wide eyes after seeing my face red with anger. She stood there, frozen, unmoving which when paired with my anger caused me to snap.

“For fucks sake, go to the toilet Alex”

She held her hands up in mock surrender before following my demand and walking to the toilet just as my mind caught up with my mouth. Shit. Not only had I told Polly that I rand Alex and made contact with her after all this time because I was having relationship problems that she would say weren’t a big deal. I told her why I went with Alex today as she knew I would never do something like this to get her forgiveness, I would probably let her ignore me until she calmed down. I told her that I had pursued sex with Alex not the other way around. And I had just confirmed that it was all true by shouting at Alex whilst on the phone to her. Shit, double shit. Fucking shit.

“What the fuck Piper?”

How was I supposed to reply to that? After everything I had just admitted, I was going to tell her the truth but watered down and well edited. Now she had been delivered the very brutal truth and I don’t know how to get control again as I knew I was in the wrong, but it was just what I did around Alex.

“Piper you need to start fucking talking. You did what? And why the hell would you do that to Larry?”

I was still too stunned to reply, so I stood there with my mouth hanging open and sadness inching ever closer to create tears that I refused to spill. I had humiliated myself, no one else. Hands grabbed at my shoulders comfortingly as I looked up into Alex’s eyes.

“You Ok Pipes?”

“Tell her to fuck off”

Alex and Polly were having more of a conversation than I could muster up right now.

“Kid? - ”

“Piper – “

Gathering the last ounce of dignity that I had I took a few breathes and quickly thought over my rough plan of action before diving head first into the car crash.

“Polly shut up for one minute. Alex, I’m fine. I just need to calm down my pregnant crazy best friend as she processes everything I just yelled at her. Can you give me a minute?   
Then we can talk. Thanks”

I could tell that Alex was trying to suppress a laugh at my attempt at being authoritative but nodded and left which is what I needed right now. Focusing my attention back to my phone I sighed in preparation of the conversation ahead.

“Yes Polly, I know I fucked up and it’s bad, but I don’t know ok? I just feel… I feel everything that I have been missing for years”

Choking back a sob I waited for her response knowing that It would hurt but I needed to be yelled at and called a horrible person so that reality would slap me in the face.

“What are you going to do? Do you think you could make it work this time?”

“What?”

“You and Alex…”

“I don’t know Pol, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how. Like what am I supposed to tell Larry and how do I know that things will work out with Alex? What if we crash and burn again and then I’ve lost her and Larry?”

“You might”

“Well that’s comforting”

“It’s true, you might crash and burn, or you might live happily ever after, but you will never know for sure. Larry deserves to know the truth, but you need to do what you think will make you happiest and as much as I hate her if you want her then you have to grow a pair Piper”

I knew she was right as much as I hated to admit it but I needed to listen. Life wouldn’t just work out if I ignored the problem. I still would have cheated on Larry, I still would have sought out Alex and I still would have these indecisive feelings. I needed to grow up and face my problems head on. We talked a little more and she surprised me by staying calm the entire time, I think she could tell how destroyed I was after everything that had happened. I knew she wasn’t always going to be this friendly and understanding so I enjoyed it while it lasted.

\-----------------------------------------------

Alex was lounging on the sofa typing on her phone but quickly directed her gaze onto me when I closed the door behind me. With her eyebrow raised, she patted the seat next to her as a silent invitation that I accepted without hesitation. Pushing myself into her when her arm moved around my shoulders s that I was cuddled into her side as I let the anxiety and worry over what I was going to do fade away, if only for a minute. She seemed surprised at my actions but accepted it and carried on working on her phone but glanced at me every now and then out of the corner of her eye. She soon grew tired of the cautious act and pulled her glasses to the top of her head to stare at me. 

“Pipes?”

“Hmm?”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not much to talk about, I told her the complete truth and then I realised what a monster I was, so I didn’t even need her. Then she asked what I was going to do, and I told her I didn’t know, I just know that I like how I feel when I’m around you and it feels… it feels good I guess. I don’t know, you know that should be my catchphrase for the day. I guess I don’t know anything right now.”

“Its ok not to know kid. I’m surprised Polly hasn’t tracked your location and is on her way to kill me right now”

Moving so that my face was level with hers, I placed a kiss on her lips and smiled.

“I think she’s giving you a get out of jail free card for now. At least until I have a plan of action. I like being here, I like being with you.”

“I like it to kid… you know, I heart you”

“I heart you? What the fuck is that? Is that like I love you for pussies?”

“Say Pussy again”

“Shut up… I heart you too, just thought I would tell you”

What can I say? When I make a mess of my life, I’m all in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know that I had to recreate my favourite scene of ‘I heart you’ and I know they hooked up in chapter two but the reason why this is more hesitant and slow is because now it actually means something to them.


	8. Be angry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically some filler fluff so enjoy

I knew I had to go home but staying here with Alex meant avoiding Larry, avoiding the situation I had put myself in as I knew I had to make decisions that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. Her arms were still wound around me as we aimlessly watched daytime TV, what surprised me was that she wasn’t on her phone. When we were together she would always at last look at a text every twenty minutes whether it be from a mule or a command. I chose not to bring it up. I knew neither of us was focusing on the programme but rather enjoying being this close as I didn’t know what I was going to decide. If I chose to not tell Larry, then I would go back to normal and live with my loving boyfriend in a nice apartment attempting to run a soap business with my best friend and I wouldn’t see Alex again. It was the easiest option for me to choose as my life wouldn’t change, it wouldn’t come with unexpected problems like life with Alex did. If I told Larry the truth, I wouldn’t know what he would do. If I begged for forgiveness and asked for another chance, then I’m sure he would forgive me, and we would go back to being us with added trust issues. My life was never easy to just impact my life I needed to consider my parents as they had an opinion on everything I did as well my family’s friends and of course Polly. It must be nice getting to live your own life for yourself and no one else but I wouldn’t know.

“Thinking pretty hard there, kid”

She tried to keep her voice still and neutral, yet I could hear the wavering of anxiety control her words. I was transparent when it came to being together, she knew what I was thinking about and she was worried I wasn’t going to give her the answer she wanted. I didn’t blame her as right now I couldn’t concentrate on one thought and where it would lead. I wanted to give her the correct answer, so I could watch her face light up with her thousand-watt smile and be rewarded with a kiss to start our relationship. We both knew if I told her right now that I was going to tell Larry the truth then I would go home and cave under the pressure. I didn’t want to lie to her. I don’t want to break her heart either.

“Do you want to go out and get some food?”

With that reply I had successfully avoided her statement but also gave my mind something else to concentrate on. She nodded her agreement, reluctantly her arms were removed from me as she moved to the bedroom to get changed from her loungewear that she had been wearing all morning. All I had to do was put my shoes on and await her. With my free time I allowed my eyes to roam around the apartment she called home and began to walk around. The place wasn’t immaculately clean, but it just felt like Alex. I don’t know how or what told me that she hadn’t been lonely these last few years, but I could tell she didn’t struggle for company. I began to wonder if she too had a partner and had cheated on them with me, maybe she had some big decisions to make too. That thought should cause guilt or anger or something other than the calm it brought me. Thinking that Alex too had cheated made me feel better about my own situation which I knew was twisted. She emerged from the bedroom when I was standing in the kitchen staring too intently at a couple of dirty plates in the sink. Her arms wrapped around my waist and her head on my shoulder as I slowly took my eyes from the sink.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah"

\-----------------------------------------

She didn’t ask me what I wanted to eat or where I wanted to go, she lead the way in silence while she held my head in a comforting embrace. With me and Larry I always chose where we were eating, Polly liked to say it was because I was controlling yet here I was letting Alex be in charge. My mind was too busy trying to grasp onto wondering thoughts that raced through me head to take notice of our surroundings or to try and guess where we were going. We arrived at a small café after a short walk, she held the door open to allow me to enter first. The food was ordered, the table was selected, and we were sitting down in silence once again, yet this time Alex stared at me with a smirk causing me to become self-conscious which moved to annoyance. 

“What?”

“Nothing”

“Well its clearly something Alex. Just tell me.”

She continued to just stare at me without giving me an answer paired with an even bigger smile that was really beginning to get on my nerves. Just as I was about to snap at her, the waitress brought out our food and over to our table. By the smug look on Alex’s face I knew that she knew I was going to yell at her for her antics, her reaction only angered me more. Why couldn’t she just say whatever she wanted to say to me? With our food on the table and the waitress retreating I continued to stare at Alex hoping for an explanation as she began to dig in to her food. On her second bite she spoke with her mouth full.

“You should probably starting eat that Pipes, before it goes cold”

I hated how smug and cocky she was being, I slowly took an exaggerated bite out of my food to mock her demand yet her smile only grew wider. We continued to eat in silence looking like an odd pair with her wearing a large smile and me no doubt turning red in the face. When I was finished she reached for my hand that was resting on the table, but I quickly yanked it away. I was feeling happy that the action had caused her smile to retreat. The silent treatment was my next plan of action yet my curiosity out-weighed my stubbornness.

“Just tell me what it is?”

“I prefer you angry to sad”

“What?”

“This whole time we have been here instead of being sad like you have been all morning by stressing out, feeling guilty and confused you have been angry at me. I would rather you be angry at me and know that I could fix that feeling rather than have you sit there depressed and for me to have no way to help you”  
Not knowing what to say I sat there speechless unsure of how to respond, she did something that was so thoughtful. My mind had completely forgotten the inner turmoil that had been plaguing me, anger at Alex took over my mind. It was a nice change that I was actually calm and left behind the bubbling guilt. 

“Thanks”

Her shy smile was rewarding enough for me to know that she had enjoyed my mind wondering too and that she was too proud of herself that she had thought of it. The issue now was that my mind was clear for the guilt and doubt to come flooding back like a bad dream. When I looked at her it felt like my decision was made, she always knew what to do in the worst moments and how to make me feel better. Alex was the best thing that happened to me all those years ago and she was making this difficult. Why did she have to be so nice? Her smug face let me know that she knew what I was thinking, she had me hook line and sinker. My phone broke me out the trance that was known as Alex Vause, the screen read ‘Larry’. I knew I should reject his call, but my mind lived to see me struggle and made me feel guilty about ignoring Larry considering what I had done. Both the Answer and reject buttons flashed aggressively begging me to make a choice. Luckily the phone stopped it’s ringing to lay silent in my hand and when I looked up I realised that Alex once again knew exactly what had happened. It was hard, I knew who I loved but I knew the other option was stability and safety and simple.

“It’s complicated”

“Sure, it is Kid”

I needed to go home, I needed to see him so that my mind could think clearly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is short and the update took a while but sadly my summer is coming to an end which means I had to get some things in order these past couple of weeks. Hopefully I will be able to update soon and in longer chapters. Hope you are enjoying this story.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can probably tell from the last couple of chapters I had lost passion for this story as I didn't feel inspired to write in the direction I had planned but now I have completely changed my idea and had a lot of fun writing this chapter and will hopefully enjoy writing the last couple of chapters of this story before it sadly comes to an end and I start a new story. Thank you for reading and sticking with this.

Leaving the café was the pop of the bubble we had put ourselves in for the past two days, I was going home. Once we had stepped out the door, her hand lingered next to mine for a beat too long that I knew she was hesitating for her next step. With her decision made she turned to me wearing a sombre face and offered me a ride that I knew she wanted me to decline. She didn’t know what I was going to do when I got home, neither did I, and she didn’t want to be the one that helped push me in that direction. Not being able to trust my voice, I shook me head and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before turning away and walking down the street. Everything within me longed to look back and see if she was watching me leave or if she had turned to walk as well, to see if she felt as lost as I did, to see if she looked back too. Just as I was about to give in to want I wanted to do, my body turned the corner and allowed me to sag against the brick wall knowing that she wouldn’t be able to see me. I needed to stay strong if only on the outside. Allowing myself a minute before I continued to walk my head swarmed with ideas and action plans to get myself out of this mess yet not one seemed appealing. The fear of making the wrong choice tugged at every solution. 

On my walk home, I took the longer routes, stopped at a coffee shop and popped into a bookstore to delay going home yet somehow, I still managed to arrive there quicker than I would have liked. The front door felt heavier and louder when I entered, the air felt tighter. Larry was not in view, but I could hear his phone playing an audiobook that revolved around something about a clean mind and body from the kitchen. Following the soft voice of the recording I walked into the kitchen and my heart clenched as he shot a bright smile in my direction before coming over to embrace me in a tight hug. Patting his back, he let go and kissed my lips before moving back to preparing the veg which the task he was previously completing and paused the book. He quickly dived into a one-sided conversation by asking about my trip to what he believed was my parents, but he got too excited with another question before letting me answer. The stool next to the counter anchored me to the floor as I sat to listen to his joyful ramble before he noticed that I wasn’t replying. I took this time to take him in, his hair that he once attempted to style but we both agreed that he should never do that again. He had a ketchup stain on his shirt collar that could have been from breakfast or from last week as he rarely noticed odd little imperfections like I did. He had large bags under his eyes showing that got very little sleep last night, he would try to tell people that he was working all night on an article but we both knew he would get too addicted watching Netflix to notice the time. Even considering what I felt for Alex, I did love Larry. A sad smile graced my face as I finally knew at least one thing I had to do. Slowly his eyes met mine and stalled realising that my smile didn’t fit his story.

“What is it? Did I get sauce on my face again?”

“No, it’s just… I need to talk to you” 

“Ok…”

“We should probably go and sit down”

\----------------------------------------------------------- 

In his anxiety of the forthcoming conversation he supplied us both with coffee in matching white mugs and continuously fidgeted with his hands. Refusing to make eye contact with me, his eyes stayed glued to my shoes which cause me to keep moving them under his inspection fearing that they would give me away somehow. 

“Larry?”

His hummed response was all that I got as confirmation that he was listening, silence suffocated us whilst I waited for him to look up. His head rose but only to stare at my hands that were clasped together. We had been together long enough that he knew something wasn’t right by me telling him to sit down for the conversation, usually I would tell him anything, anywhere at any time. Knowing his stare at my hands was the closest I was going to get to being acknowledge I took a breath to steady myself before I began.

“I wasn’t with my parents this weekend…”

I spoke again, quickly, to silence the question I saw on his lips that was about to tumble out.

“I was with a friend”

That was my first lie of the speech, I had to retract that statement.

“Well she isn’t really a friend, for me to explain this, you need to just stay quiet and let me speak.”

My gaze also dropped to my hands as the courage I felt early to tell my tale had vanished and been squashed by the guilt I felt for having to tell the man I love how I had betrayed him with another, that sadly I also loved.

“Her names Alex, we met up with each other a couple nights ago because I called her, she didn’t pick up at first, but she rang back, and I needed to see her, so I suggested meeting. That didn’t make sense, let me start again. Alex was someone I met many years ago in a bar that I was looking for a job in, she mocked me and invited me for drinks. I was young, and she was hot so had sex and at first that’s all it was, but it quickly developed into a relationship – “

“What? Piper, you were in a gay relationship, you’re gay?”

“Larry, just let me say all of this and then talk ok?”

I took his silence as confirmation of his agreeance and tried to organise the story in my head, I wanted to tell the story as clear as possible but leave out the illegal activities.

“We were in a relationship and in love and she invited me to go travelling with her, I told you that I went with friends, well actually I told everyone that, but I went with just Alex. We went as far as we could go, she was travelling for business and it put a strain on our relationship sometimes. She made everything an adventure and made me want to be someone else, someone that I felt I couldn’t be with anyone else. The tattoo on the back of my neck was because she wouldn’t come and see the fish with me, so I wanted her to be reminded every time she saw the tattoo that she had been too stubborn to come with me.”

I knew without looking at him that he was hurt, not only had I lied to him about my past but I got a tattoo for Alex just because she was stubborn, but I wouldn’t even consider getting a tattoo with him.

“We were in Paris and I was fed up of being second to her work and I didn’t like who she was becoming so I broke it off in hopes that she would change but she didn’t. When I was leaving her mom died, I still left her. That makes me a really shitty person and as much as I pretended that I had to leave, I didn’t. When you got the tattoo, the situation made me think of her, so I got drunk and rang her. I rambled to her answer phone and then she called back to arrange somewhere to meet…”

“Is that it Piper? Is that your whole story as I don’t get why you wouldn’t just tell me this before, It’s not that bad – “

“We slept together”

“What” 

He choked out the word which made my heart clench, I’d done it. I ripped off the band aid and told him, I broke his heart in the process. Now the words had been said I which I could take them back and take back this whole week of events that lead to me screwing up my life. He didn’t deserve this, neither did Alex but I could never control myself in situations like these. I liked to make a mess of my life. I knew that because I had started to tell him how I had betrayed him that I should finish the story.

“I wanted to see her moms grave this weekend to apologise and to get Alex’s forgiveness. I spent the night at hers and this morning we went to get breakfast because I didn’t know what to tell you or her or what to do”

I didn’t need to say anymore after telling him that we had slept together but I only realised that after I had told him. I had basically stuck a knife in his back and twisted. The wind against the trees and the cars passing by was the only noise filling the apartment and it was deafening. I hated him in this moment for not yelling at me or storming out, I hated him for not giving me a reaction but looking up I saw that he had reacted. Tears had streamed down his face as he tried to keep them at bay to pretend that he was strong and that I hadn’t made it cry. His tears created my own as they ventured down my face, waiting for his next move. Time had passed but I wasn’t sure how much time had flown by. My phone broke the silence with a text notification, but I didn’t want to interrupt our situation. Larry interpreted me not responding to my phone as a negative as he quickly processed other reasons I could be ignoring my phone.

“Is that her?”

Looking down at my phone, Polly’s name flashed with the proposition of hanging out today to ‘catch up’, I knew she meant to talk about Alex.

“No, it’s Polly she just wanted – “

“- Do you love her?”

“What?”

“Piper, do you love her”

That was a question I didn’t expect and frankly didn’t want. Did I love her? It had barely been a week but all the feelings from the past had returned with so much intensity that it felt hard to ignore them. She knew me. I had done the worst to her, yet she still forgave me. Just hanging out with her last night was one of the best nights I had had in a while. She made being with her effortless and I enjoyed who I was when I was around her. I knew I loved Larry and it felt wrong comparing the two as both loves were so different but so intense, my heart was divided. How do I tell him that my heart belonged to both of them without sounding like a bad romance novel character? I knew that I had to tell the truth, by doing that I would be telling myself the truth, but the answer felt a lot more complicated than just a simple yes or no.

“It’s not that simple she – “

“- Do you love her?”

“Yes”

I’d said it, the words were now free. More tears came streaming down my face as he held his back without succeeding. Nothing good was going to come from saying that I loved Alex, in fact it probably hurt him more than me just sleeping with her as I know it would kill me. This was my fault, I contacted Alex and seduced her and right now I couldn’t think of one good reason on why I started this. I was hurting the people I loved and cared about because I got drunk over a stupid tattoo.

“What do you want me to say Piper? What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know Larry”

I honestly have no idea of what I wanted from this situation, I wanted to be honest and transparent with him and I had been. I expected him to know what to do or to solve the situation for me as I was lost. The only decision I had come to all morning was that I was going to tell him about Alex not if I was going to leave him or beg for forgiveness, I was being a coward and making him choose.

“You tell me about your lesbian lover and how you cheated on me but that’s it? What do you want from me Piper because deep down you know. Do you even love me”?

“Yes of course I do Larry its just – “

“- What you love her more?”

“I don’t know”

“Jesus fucking Christ Piper. How can you be telling me that you love me, but you don’t know if you love your one-week lover more than me. Do you not see how fucked up this is?”

“I know – “

“- Are you leaving me? Is this over because I would really like to fucking know Piper. Everything was fine before, fuck, I was going to propose, and we were going to be happy until you fucked it all, well fucked Alex”

Shit. We could have been getting married if I hadn’t fucked this up as if I never called Alex then I wouldn’t be questioning my feelings and I would have said yes. When did my life get so fucked up? In this moment I have never hated the Kool-Aid man more in my life.

“Larry, I so sorry – “

“– Just don’t Piper, I need some time to think and so do you”

And with that final statement he grabbed his coat and stormed out the door without glancing back. I still had no idea what he was thinking about us, about our relationship and I guess he didn’t know either. He was right that I had to get my thoughts straight or else I would never have a real answer to what I wanted. Right now, I thought that I wanted Larry to come back, pretend everything was back to normal, propose and we get married sometime next year. If that was really what I wanted, then why was my phone currently calling Alex?

“Hello?”

“I told him”

“Shit…”

“yeah”

“How’d he take it? Like what did he say?”

“He just kept asking what I wanted and then left for some air to think”

“Do you know what you want kid?” 

She sounded sceptical with a hint of uncertainty clinging to edge of her words. She knew just as well as I did that my mind was nowhere near cleaner than it was this morning and maybe she feared that I was picking Larry. So, to do what I did best I decided to ramble away from the question.

“He was going to propose, I’m not sure when but I can bet marriage is off the table now. I mean he stormed out without warning me that I was leaving so I think if I was really desperate for the relationship to continue I would have ran after him and not called you. In fact, I didn’t need to tell him anything I could have let things stay the same and leave you in my past again, but I didn’t. Maybe the reason I chose to tell him about us was because I wanted him to dump me so didn’t have to dump him and I’m calling you because I wanted to… I don’t know… make sure you were ok and that you knew I hadn’t forgotten about you.”

I think I’ve done it. I had made a decision during my ramble by clearing my thoughts out and thinking clearly. I thought I was being brave by telling Larry about me cheating yet in reality I was being a coward because I wanted him to end the relationship so that I had a clear conscience to pursue a relationship with Alex. I wanted to be with Alex even after all this time. The silence on her end let me know that she had realised the impact of what I had said and a large grin over took my face.

“Al – “

“- Just go get married to Larry Piper and have a happy white picket fence life. I’m not an option”

And with her closing statement she hung up.


End file.
